FIFTEEN INDISPUTABLE RULES OF DINING (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER).
One must never eat at:
1. Any restaurant that claims to be “Pan-Asian.”
2. Any “Bistro” that’s not French.
3. Any “Tapas” restaurant that’s not Spanish.
4. Any “Grill” that’s not a steakhouse.
5. Any restaurant that has a human first name and a gimmicky surname. (If you’ve ever eaten at Johnny Rockets, you’ll understand)
6. Any restaurant whose menu tells the “story” of the restaurant.
7. Any restaurant whose wait staff claims that “everything is good.”
8. Any restaurant whose wait staff says the word “enjoy-“ in every sentence.
9. Any restaurant whose wait staff says the word “whimsy” in any sentence.
10. Any restaurant whose TV commercial features a voice over with an Italian accent. Or, for that matter…
11. Any restaurant that advertises on TV or radio at all.
12. Any Mexican restaurant that offers lettuce as an option.
13. Any Thai restaurant whose menu crows, “We don’t use fish sauce!” (Really…I can’t make this shit up)
14. Any Chinese restaurant…
15. …except for the ONE Chinese restaurant in each major metropolitan area that’s actually pretty good.
Unless you’re drunk, of course. Then, pretty much anything will taste good…except that fucking Thai restaurant.