A SHORT PRIMER ON SPANISH COFFEE.

Coffee is a well-loved drink in Spain. Its popularity is, perhaps, second only to “anything with alcohol.” A Spaniard will drink a coffee for breakfast, at mid-morning break, after lunch and, quite often, after dinner.

Nearly every Spanish home has a chrome, art deco-style, stovetop coffee maker, but coffee is best – and most often – drank in a bar. And there is no creature on earth that makes better coffee than a crusty Spanish bartender.

Spanish bartenders make coffee on large, steam-driven espresso machines. They use high quality, medium-roasted beans rather than the astringent, jet-black espresso beans favored by Starbucks and the Italians. A thick, brown stream oozes into cups propped below the machine’s chrome spouts, while the bartender simultaneously froths a stainless steel pitcher of whole milk with the steamer arm. Served in a ceramic cup or small, thin glass (but NEVER in a waxed paper cup), Spanish coffee is velvety, rich and flavorful. The well-established paradox that coffee, like roast chicken, smells a whole lot better than it tastes simply doesn’t hold water here.

But the language of coffee can pose problems for foreign visitors to Spain. I often imagine the following dialogue taking place at various bars throughout the country:

Spanish Bartender: Buenos días [in gravelly, tobacco-ravaged voice]. What can I get you?

Non-Spanish Tourist: Buenos días. I’d like a tall, half-caf Latte with skim milk and a light dusting of nutmeg…to go, please. And don’t forget to put a lid on it.

[Pause]

Spanish Bartender: Buenos días. What can I get you?

I think you’ll agree that such a cross-cultural disconnect is not conducive to the spirit of international goodwill and brotherhood that so many people outside the White House are trying to nurture. It obstructs the bartender from earning his livelihood, and the jet-lagged visitor from his much-needed jolt of caffeine. I therefore – under strict orders from Kofi Annan – am pleased to provide the following roadmap for ordering coffee in a Spanish bar.

Café con leche: A mixture of coffee and steamed milk – usually in a 50/50 to 25/75 proportion – served in a “large” (albeit laughably small by US standards) cup or glass. Most Spaniards drink this for breakfast. The bartender may ask if you prefer the milk caliente (hot) or templada (warm).

Café cortado: Coffee that is “cut” with a dash of steamed milk and served in a small cup. This is usually ordered after lunch or dinner.

Café solo: A shot of coffee without milk; served in a tiny cup. This is usually ordered after lunch or dinner.

Café manchado: A cup of steamed milk “spotted” with a few drops of coffee.

Carajillo: Black coffee spiked with brandy or anís (i.e., a Sambuca-like liquor). Wildly popular with older men.

Café Americano: Coffee diluted with extra water, and served with or without steamed milk. How embarrassing it is to even mention this!

Descafeinado: Decaffeinated coffee. You can request that any of the above choices be made descafeinado. Be sure, however, specify descafeinado de máquina (decaf from the machine). Otherwise, you’ll risk being served a cup of steamed milk and an envelope of instant decaf coffee.

Now that I’ve provided the basic tools for ordering coffee in Spain, I’d like to close with a nugget of advice that I’ve verified countless times during the past five years: Look for a bar that has little natural light, littered floors, a dense cloud of cigarette smoke, and an older, disheveled-looking male bartender – never taller than 5’7’” – wearing a collared shirt. Preferably a white, short-sleeve collared shirt. A bar that satisfies these criteria will most assuredly serve you a stellar coffee…and serve it to you well.

If there is an artfully-lettered sign hanging above the bar area listing its various offerings and their prices, turn around and head to the next.

If the bar has a TV playing music videos, call the authorities.

If any of the bartenders appear to be younger than 50 or – God forbid – wearing hair gel, don’t walk…RUN!

Always remember…there is no correlation between good grooming or attractive surroundings and good coffee. If you don’t believe me, taste a Starbucks half-caf Latte with skim milk. Even a light dusting of nutmeg can’t save it.