THAT’S OFFAL GOOD.

[Note: This is an essay that I published in Expatica Spain a few weeks ago.]

I travelled to Edinburgh, Scotland a few weeks ago, and experienced the unique pleasures of haggis. And as the black, peppery essence of pureed sheep guts cascaded across my tongue, I had a striking thought—Europeans seem to eat all the stuff that Americans throw away.

It’s true in Scotland, and it’s certainly true in Spain. And to prove it, I’ve compiled a list.

Now...some folk may use this list as a roadmap for identifying foods to avoid. Others may use it as a treasure map for foods to seek. I’m fairly certain, however, that everyone will use it as a checklist for tormenting unsuspecting friends and family visiting from abroad.

Let’s go!

- Cabrito (Goat): I don’t know why people are repulsed by goat. It is, after all, just an ugly lamb without the afro. Cabrito is a revered delicacy here in Castilla-LaMancha, where it is roasted in a wood-burning oven in the style of suckling pig or lamb. All of my guests who have tried it...loved it. As do I.

- Oreja de Cerdo (Pig’s ear): I suppose the philosophy “Waste not, want not” inspired the first Spaniard to eat a pig’s ear. Either that, or he mistook it for a nacho. Whatever the reason, its popularity has spread throughout the country. Many bars offer pig ears as a snack; the most common preparations being deep-fried or braised in a tomato-based sauce. No matter how it’s prepared, I find pig’s ear to be a chewy, flavorless mouthful of cartilage and goo.

- Percebes (Barnacles): These little shellfish plucked from the icy waters of Galica are worshipped by shellfish lovers throughout Spain. Percebes (pictured above) are ugly critters. They look like a newborn space alien. But alas, they taste much better than they look. Briny, chewy and flavorful...eating percebes are like eating the sea. Just try to be in the restroom when the bill arrives.

- Sesos a la Romana (Batter-fried Brains): I often saw these offered as a Menu del Día second course when I lived in Barcelona. The flavor of sesos is irrelevant. Why? Because the texture—which I can only describe as that of a incompetently-prepared soft-boiled egg—is all that you’ll notice. Believe me...it will send even the strongest man diving for a waste bin. Please Mr. Waiter...bring me any organ. Just not THAT one!

- White Asparagus: Don’t get me wrong. I love white asparagus! But let’s just say that...some people have trouble getting past appearances. Do yourself a favor. Skip the mayonaisse when serving these to the uninitiated.

- Kokoxos (Hake cheeks): Who would’ve thought that fish cheeks would taste so good? Who would’ve thought that fish had cheeks?!

- Peine de Gallo (Rooster comb): Can you believe it? Some people eat the red, spikey hunk of rubber that grows on top of a rooster’s skull! Why? How? What chemical imbalance caused the first person to gaze at that unsavory-looking appendage and think to himself, “Hmmm...I wouldn’t mind a plate of that.” Quite honestly, I can only think of one other comb that I’d be less inclined to put in my mouth—and that would be Paul Wolfowitz’s.

The above examples are just a fraction of the list that I compiled. The word limit set by my editor prevents me from elaborating on such vittles as morcilla (the Spanish haggis), callos (the Spanish menudo), huevas (a compressed block of dry, sandy-tasting salmon eggs), angulas (those exquisite baby eels from the Basque Country) and most famous of all (although I’ve yet to find any bar or restaurant that offers them)...bull’s nuts.

But don’t get me wrong. I’m certainly not knocking Spain’s fringe cuisine. I am, in fact, quite fond of many of the foods that I’ve listed above.

Besides, every nation has its own examples of food items that are greeted with horror by non-natives—even my home country, the US. If you don’t believe me, then fly to Chicago and buy yourself a sack of White Castle hamburgers. You might soon find yourself yearning for a plate of brain.