Saturday, September 30, 2006

THE CAPTAIN? OR THE KING?


Fat Sal never breaks a promise.

That’s true under normal circumstances. But it’s triple-dog true when that promise pertains to his beloved COCONUT.

So recall, if you will, that I recently committed to our good friend Euro Trac that I would dress Captain Coconut as The King.

And so...as you see above...another promise has been fulfilled.

Hey Trac, why don’t you tell everyone what type of sandwich that is?

Friday, September 29, 2006

THREE'S COMPANY.


Ha! And you thought things were getting goofy with just one COCONUT.

Sorry, but sometimes my hormones get the best of me. Besides, they were on sale.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

THE RETURN OF MR. OKTOBER.

I had seen the brown UPS van driving through my neighborhood yesterday, and it struck me as odd.

DHL, TNT and Federal Express are common sights around here. But I hadn’t seen a UPS van for at least a year.

“Whatever!” I muttered to myself, and went back to my desk to resume the crucial task at hand—trying to hang hoop-earrings on a COCONUT.

Then the doorbell rang.

I ran downstairs, opened the door and found myself face-to-face with man dressed from head to toe in brown polyester. He was holding a very large, very well-wrapped cardboard box.

“Package for Mr. Fat Sal.”

I signed for the package, took it from the UPS guy and looked at the mailing label. It was postmarked, “Copenhagen, Denmark.”

“Copenhagen?!” I thought to myself. “Copenhagen? Copenh...HEY!!! Isn’t it almost the month of...!!!”

I spun ‘round on my heel, ran into the house, tossed the package on the kitchen island and grabbed the nearest knife.

I sliced through the packing tape, peeled open the boxtop and parted the bubble wrap.

There they were! Just as I had hoped. Two 0.5 liter bottles of Paulaner Oktoberfest Beer and a note that said the following:
”INSERTING INTO MOUTH MAY CAUSE INJURY OR DEATH.”

Thank you, Anders...on what is happily becoming an annual event. You’re the best Viking friend a guy could ever have.

And Happy Oktoberfest to all.

CALIMOCHO.

My scholarly dissertation on the Spanish “cocktail,” Calimocho, is now published in The Spirit World.

Check it out by clicking here.

Yes...I know what you’re thinking. There’s no coconut in a Calimocho.

But you must also realize that...I don’t drink Calimochos.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

AND NOW FOR ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF..."HEALTHCARE FOR COCONUTS."

Few things are more stess-inducing than hanging upside-down from a palm tree all day.

But fear not! A nice, deep-tissue massage will help to work the kinks out of the most tense, hardened coconut shell.

But what type of oil should be used when massaging a coconut?

Surely not coconut oil?! That would seem a bit...cannibalistic, no?

Saturday, September 23, 2006

AND NOW FOR A VIDEO MESSAGE FROM SAL.

Don´t be shy. I just want to talk to you. So...click HERE

Friday, September 22, 2006

ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES LISA MARIE A DULL GIRL.

You all know that my colleague Lisa Marie and I were working hard in London last week.

What you might not know, however, is that we took a little time to have some fun.

What kind of fun? Well...if you REALLY want to know, then click HERE.

It takes awhile to load, but I promise that it will be worth it.

GOOGLING THE COCONUT.

I'm saddened to report that there are 14,500 Google hits on the phrase "Captain Coconut."

But proud to report that only two hits arose from "the amazing Captain Coconut." And both are attributed to our VTB.

What does this mean? Nothing...except that the "...Makes Lisa Marie a Dull Girl" post above contained no mention of "coconut," so I had to make some act of redemption.

And so I have.

Coconut!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

LOOK! UP IN THE SKY! IT'S AN OBESE BIRD! IT'S A POORLY-ENGINEERED PLANE! NO!!! IT'S...

...the Amazing Captain Coconut!!!

Saturday, September 16, 2006

TRAVELS WITH LISA MARIE.

There I was.

Sitting in the back of a London taxi cab last night with Lisa Marie Presley.

We were racing across town in the midst of a rainstorm, hoping to arrive at the restaurant before the maitre d’ gave our table to another soggy tourist couple. Our taxi driver—contrary to the myth surrounding “The Knowledge”—had never heard of the street on which Jamie Oliver’s “Fifteen” restaurant was located.

Perhaps London cabbies need a little less Knowledge, and a little more Tom Tom GPS.

We made it to the restaurant fifteen minutes late—which, by Spanish standards, is fifteen minutes early—and were seated at our table without fuss. The food at Fifteen, BTW, was fabulous—each course being adorned with fresh mint leaves.

Lamentably, not a single course was adourned with coconut.

Now, you may be wondering why I was hob-knobbing about London with the King of Rock & Roll’s daughter, eh?

No...it’s not what you think. I could never fill Michael Jackson’s shoes. The truth is...Lisa Marie is, like me, a long-term employee of Acme Low Carb Tongue Depressors, Inc.’s Legal Department. And we were in town for a seminar entitled, “Managing Legal Risk.”

Did you know that 14,000 deaths each year are caused by the improper use of tongue depressors? Well...yesterday we learned how to manage that legal risk: Print “INSERTING INTO MOUTH MAY CAUSE INJURY OR DEATH” onto each tongue depressor. In both block letters *and* in Braille. That alone was worth the price of the plane ticket, don’t you think?

As is often the case with business travel, however, the journey wasn’t all smooth.

I left the seminar at 4pm. This, theoretically, should’ve given me plenty of time to make my 7:50pm flight. I say “theoretically” because my theory didn´t include one fundamental assumption—that my Heathrow Express train from Paddington station would be indefinitely delayed because someone in the next station got clobbered by an on-coming Tube train. How inconsiderate some people can be!

You can probably guess what happened next. All six million travellers on my Heathrow Express train picked up their bags and bolted to the taxi stand. As did Lisa Marie and I (aka, Travellers #5,999,998 and 5,999,999).

And, oh yeah....this all happened during rush hour.

Heathrow Airport is only ten miles outside of London. That’s an extremely comforting thought. Unless, of course, you’re riding in a taxi cab that’s cruising at only eight miles per hour.

We arrived at Heathrow at 7pm. I managed to check my bags and collect my boarding pass fairly quickly and—momentarily breathing a sigh of relief—rounded the corner into the security zone.

I say “momentarily” because there, in the security zone, were at least 100 travellers waiting to pass through two—TWO!!!—metal detectors.

It was a full 45 minutes before I found myself standing before a metal detector. To be honest, I’m not sure why they let me pass. The signs clearly said that no liquids would be allowed on the airplane. And by that point, all the clothes that I was wearing were clearly liquid.

Fortunately, my plane was delayed an hour and I arrived at my gate with twenty minutes to spare.

My plane landed at Madrid’s Barajas Airport at 12:15am. I arrived at the baggage claim area at 12:45am. And when do you think my bags finally appeared on the conveyor belt?

1:45am.

Apparently, all the baggage handlers were still eating dinner. Welcome to Spain, God dammit!

If my evening had a lone bright spot, it occurred when I pulled into my driveway at 2:45am and opened my mailbox. There, in a yellow envelope posted from England, was a gift from our good friend Euro Trac.

It was an Elvis Presley air freshener.

I dropped to my knees and—weeping with joy—tore open the plastic wrap and pressed the six inch cardboard figurine to my nose.

I inhaled deeply and pondered the irony that this Elvis Presley air freshener smelled so strongly of flowers—whereas Elvis himself smelled so strongly of B.O. and fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

Or, at least, he did in the 1970’s.

Anyway...I hung Elvis from my car’s rear view mirror and went straight to bed. One of the perqs of working from a home office is that you don’t *really* need to get out of bed until one minute before working hours begin. And this morning, I cashed in that chip.

I muddled through the workday as best I could and—after logging off of my computer—hopped into the car and drove to the grocery store.

And I was stopped at a red light, something caught the corner of my eye. It was my Elvis air freshener dangling from mirror. Or, more specifically, the back of Elvis’s right leg. There, printed across his thigh in block letters, was a message.

“INSERTING INTO MOUTH MAY CAUSE INJURY OR DEATH.”

That Lisa Marie! She’s one helluva lawyer.

Friday, September 15, 2006

FRIDAY NIGHT VIDEOS: "LIME IN DA COCONUT" PERFORMED MY MEN IN GORILLAS SUITS.



The title pretty much says it all, don’t you think?

Apologies in advance, since this is one of those songs that, if heard once, won’t leave your head for at least twenty-four hours.

Coming in a few days...a bit on yesterday's trip to London.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MEET...MY PARENTS.

Yep, no kidding.

That's them--the old man and the infamous "Big Mamma"--showing the world why having children at the age of 21 isn't necessarily a bad idea.

And also showing my brother, sister and me exactly how our inheritance is being spent.

Does the coconut fall far from the tree? You be the judge.

Monday, September 11, 2006

AND NOW FOR ANOTHER "TIMELESS MOMENT IN COCONUT HISTORY."


"It's the Great Coconut, Charlie Brown!!!"

Thursday, September 07, 2006

LOCO FOR COCONUT.

I’m not shy about my passion for coconut.

It’s on my mind nearly every minute of every day. I covet it when I’m awake. I dream about it when I’m asleep. When other teenagers were sniffing glue, I was sniffing Hawaiian Tropic suntan oil.

Of course, I can find coconut in Spain. But my recent travels to Chicago opened my eyes to a disturbing reality: By living in Spain, I am being deprived of coconut in its most exquisite forms.

It’s true! Every time that I stepped into a Chicago supermarket, I felt like Charlie Sheen stepping into Amsterdam’s red light district.

There were Mounds! And Almond Joys! And coconut cream pies! And German chocolate cakes! And Bounty bars! And Brach’s Neopolitans! And Hostess Sno-Balls! And my favorite of favorites…Raspberry Zingers!

And…and…and…I ate them! I ate them all! As often as I could! But it wasn’t enough! Not nearly enough!

Freedom, due process and a well-armed military are fine. But for me, the USA is all about one thing—highly-processed, fat-laden, plastic-wrapped vehicles for coconut.

God bless America!

Monday, September 04, 2006

HEAD OVER HEELS FOR PULLED PORK.

After years of believing that pulled pork is something made in a crockpot, I decided that my family needed a reality adjustment. And my recent trip back to Chicago seemed the perfect opportunity.

So, my brother and I decided to pull a pulled pork all-nighter.

My brother may not have a Salivator per se, but he does have a propane-powered Great Outdoors smoker. Sure...a grizzled, Carolina pitmaster might scoff at the notion of propane-powered Q, but I'm not one for pretention. Besides...that which the smoker lacks in authenticity, it more than makes-up for in convenience. And convenience is exactly what's needed when you're pulling a Q overnighter, but don't really want to stay up all night.

We slapped 12 lbs. of spice-rubbed pork butt onto the smoker at 11pm--about the same time that it started to rain. We then--in a stunning display of psychic, harmonic convergence--both woke at 4am to adjust the temperature and replenish the supply of wood chips...a task that not only took place under a heavy downpour, but also in nothing more than our boxer shorts.

That should be an interesting topic for discussion at the next homeowners' association meeting.

Then, finally...we woke again at 7am to oversee the home stretch.

The butts hit our target internal temperature of 197F at noon--a comfortable three hours before the rest of the family arrived.

And the verdict? Well...let's just say that nobody thinks I'm a crack-pot for dissing the crockpot, anymore.

[BTW...I know what you're all thinking, and it's true. This entire post was nothing more than an excuse to publish the above photo.]

Saturday, September 02, 2006

A PHISH, A PUPPY AND A BYRD.

Wow! You guys are good. You correctly guessed seven out of ten songs in the VTB's "Name That Mystery [iPod] Meat" challenge.

I must say that I'm impressed...particularly with our friend Harsh, who likely destroyed all future prospects of picking up chicks by correctly guessing the LazyTown song.

And yes...I *do* have several LazyTown songs on my iPod.

The winner of the contest, however, was The Big Finn. He correctly guessed three songs...and did so despite his exhausting luxury vacation schedule. As for his prize, he wins a closet full of XXL Tommy Bahama shirts which--coincidentally--are already in his closet.

So, what of the three songs that nobody guessed? Here are the answers:

#1. "Chalkdust Torture" by Phish.
[It rocks...but, don't EVEN try to make sense of the lyrics.]

#2. "Hot Smoke and Sassafrass" by Bubble Puppy.
[What?! You've never heard of Bubble Puppy?! Well...that's them pictured above. What?! You've never heard "Hot Smoke and Sassafrass?!" Well...you must (absolutely MUST!) go
HERE and listen for yourself. It's one of my favorite songs. Euro-Trac will love it. Lady Di will hate it. Angie will be both confused and frightened.]

#4. "My Back Pages" by The Byrds.
[...albeit written by Bob Dylan.]

Great job, kiddies!